emotionally naked

A little over a week ago i set out to hold a personal experiment. Every morning i woke up i looked deep into the mirror and said out loud the phrase " I am beautiful!" It's no question that i've struggled with self worth for some time. My earlier years and teenage years had been riddled with images of me being less than attractive. I don't blame my parents for this but growing up in a household with 2 other sibling (girls on top of that) left little nurturing for me. I've often heard that boys need all the attention they can get when they're young to become emotionally managing adults. I guess i missed that boat just a little. My dating life with the girls only made matters worst. Just recently i saw a girl from high school that i spent 4 years chasing. Oh, she recognized my advances at that point in time but i wasn't the guy for her. To make matters worst i was to clueless to understand that. That was just a small lap around a huge whirl pool of emotion let downs. On the bright side, when i saw her she had gained weight and had 3 kids with her. If the worst that's happened to me is that i've gained about 15 lbs and mostly bald then i'm doing alright.
My main point is that i was watching Ru Paul's Drag U. He challenged a women to look into the mirror and tell herself that she was beautiful. Due to her emotional baggage she was unable to do something as simple as that. I asked my friend could she do that same exercise and she told me no as well. So why not me? Could i really do it? Well i did and honestly i feel better. I don't slouch my shoulders as much as i use to. I also hold my head higher when i go out into public. I've noticed a larger than normal boost in myself confidence. I'm still not to the point of feeling that any girl could fall in love with me, but i'm getting that. I never realized how important it is to love yourself. Especially if we want others to accept us for who we are, i've found it's more than important it's a necessity. My favorite quote from his shows is still one i'm working on to this day:

How can you expect anyone else to love you, if you can't love yourself?

the heart wants what the heart wants

The best part about work is being able to interact with people and listen to their life stories. It's like being able to get a personal look into a household of others without coming up to their windows. Yesterday one of the highlights was listening to this older man's story about love. I have been getting clubbed over the head over the past weeks with topics of love. It's on every time i turn on the tv, go to the movies, and even in public. It seems to be what all my friends are talking about. That in itself is a little overwhelming and this man's story fitting in perfectly with that topic.

I'm was amazed more by the fact that he looked to be in his early 50s and was indeed 62 years old. His large overhanging belly gave him away as being able to enjoy life. He proceeded to tell me the age old tale of romance. How he had fallen in love with a girl that broke his heart. Over 3 years he had given the women $150,000 in money/gifts and she had spent all of it. Either pawning it or taking his sent checking and spending it on someone else. Ultimately the idea of the saying "there's nothing like an old fool" popped into my head. He also spoke about how she was slightly deformed from birth [her shoulder blade stuck out to far and her hand was slightly clubbed] but he loved anyways. How can you shower someone with gifts like that and still not receive any love i thought to myself? Of course he was a religious man and she was as well, however anytime she did anything run she would run and ask forgiveness from God. If some of the things he was telling me was true i'm not sure that her moral compass was tilting in the direction that it should've. My facial features frowned as he told me that she was not only having sex with men and women but paying to have kids involved as well. Even after hearing this the guy told me he still love her. Regardless of all the times she's taken his emotions and dragged it through the mud he feelings didn't wavier. I started to wonder what make people become the fool for others? When do we as people hit that limit that we won't be mistreated any more? What isn't funny but interesting is the fact that he like most others have wonderful attractive offers from countless women to fall in love with. Women with professional jobs and economic status yet there is no attractive qualities present. I spoke with some of my single male friends with on this topic a couple of weeks ago. They expressed what we all know, once we've been treated a certain way for a long time it's hard to break that cycle. For example, if you're use to being emotionally torn down in a relationship, when the right person comes along regardless of how perfect he/she maybe if that void is missing subconsciously you won't be happy.

Part of me wished i could open his eyes and allow him to see the truth, that i could show him he needs to move on. But as a quote once said truthfully "the heart wants what the heart wants." Sadly enough nothing can change that.

Scott Pilgrim

I guess as an artist you learn to respect a lot of different artwork and not so often does the artwork reflect your own style. Sometimes it's more about the meaning, the story, and the message more than anything else. I went with some of my drawing group friends to watch Scott Pilgrim vs. The World yesterday because i had been kicking myself that i didn't go see it opening weekend. I'm a comic book movie groupie, therefor i don't run out to the movies to watch every graphic novel/ comic book influenced movie ever made but this one looked worth it. Especially when a certain movie theater was running a $4 matinee price it's not a horrible idea.
As i walked away from the movie, it became extremely clear that i just didn't laugh uncontrollably due to the comedic efforts but i had learned something. My relationship past, present and future were building blocks for the future. Admittedly i got dumped more times than i wish i would've but that just shows me that the relationship wasn't suppose to workout. Countless energy is generally wasted trying to rehash the details of how it could've and was suppose to workout yet it never did in the first past. Every relationship has baggage and the question is are you a strong enough person to accept it all?
We all need to use more of our flaming sword of self respect daily.