Complete History of.....

In advance i would like to thank the Sundance channel for giving me another gem. Something that made me think about my own personal life. I had been struggling with this lingering feelings more as of lately. It's hard to face your personal demon, eat and chat with them. I believe as people we always look back on our past failures forgetting to look forward at the future. That's what my words of wisdom would be, continue to look forward.
The best line that came when he was referring to the one that got away. He found out that all the girls were actually good catches. He also referred to the girl that got away, as not only a friend but someone that he had the opportunity to love. Deep thoughts

zen like mood

Normally i wouldn't post anything about bout my interesting confrontations that i have with shoplifters. They happen so often now a days it's not even post worthy. This one however stood out because this time i actually had a chance to have a true conversation with members of them. It's no mystery for anyone that works retail stories there's such a thing as O.R.C (organized retail crime). They group actually prided themselves on being the "O" in the abbreviation. With huge theives pyramid and road trips they are making a living off of being thieves.

I had been having quite regularly brushed with this team of a guy and girl to the point that they personally knew my name and how i am. I made it a point to tell them i'm an artist and i would have no problem at all drawing them if asked. Still that doesn't bother them at all because they came over and over again. Sometimes 2 or 3 times a week, almost to the point it became more of a hassell to do my job. Yet yesterday was different. The couple saw me so they didn't go directly in the store. Instead they sat on a bench outside the store and spoke to me first. I waved at them dismissingly but they took it as an opportunity to come in and confront me. I had run them and their friends out of the store so much, the guy told me that he wasn't going to bother with me today. He then wanted credit for being so clever and getting in and out without a hassel. "You have to give it to me" he kept saying but i wouldn't give him the credit of knowing my honest feelings. The thing that struck a cord with me he asked me did i hate him? i have had some horrible things do to me. People who will go un-named at this moment that are said or behaved poorly towards me. Still i gave him my honest feedback "i don't hate you, i just hate the things that you do!"

"punished is not the man himself but the evil that resides in him" - Samurai Executioner





I'm not sure if that was a zen like moment for me but that's a quote from a graphic novel. The girl proceeded to forced herself on me and asked for a hug in front of the store i imagined to show the love. I had no intent on hugging a known thief and then she attempted to kiss me on my face she only was able to get my cheek. The guy continued to tell me that he respected me and that's why he didn't steal only when i saw him. But if i didn't see him, left the sales floor, was on the other side of the store or simply had the day off that he would get what he wanted. I tried to offer a stern warning that one day, people worst than myself would be there to do more than chase him off. He continued to put down the fact that no other manager in the store would get respect but me. Yet again i tried to convince him that all (managers at the store) deserved the same respect as me. Shortly after he left to make his other rounds in the mall.


Just to further my point, later on that evening another couple that i've never seen before were shopping into our store. I was heading out and they caught my eye and my red flags went off so i waited alittle big just lingering. After doing a small circle they went out the same door and the guy said to me "Tommy, you're always working!" I didn't have a name tag on and i don't recall helping him, so how did he know my name?





My main point is hate isn't a good thing to carry around with you, especially towards a person. Various philsophies and religions prove that forgiven should be a common practice. Everyday i striving to forgive others so that when the time is right i will be forgiven for any wrong doings as well. Whether we want to believe this to be true or not: in the end, all things work themselves out.

emotionally naked

A little over a week ago i set out to hold a personal experiment. Every morning i woke up i looked deep into the mirror and said out loud the phrase " I am beautiful!" It's no question that i've struggled with self worth for some time. My earlier years and teenage years had been riddled with images of me being less than attractive. I don't blame my parents for this but growing up in a household with 2 other sibling (girls on top of that) left little nurturing for me. I've often heard that boys need all the attention they can get when they're young to become emotionally managing adults. I guess i missed that boat just a little. My dating life with the girls only made matters worst. Just recently i saw a girl from high school that i spent 4 years chasing. Oh, she recognized my advances at that point in time but i wasn't the guy for her. To make matters worst i was to clueless to understand that. That was just a small lap around a huge whirl pool of emotion let downs. On the bright side, when i saw her she had gained weight and had 3 kids with her. If the worst that's happened to me is that i've gained about 15 lbs and mostly bald then i'm doing alright.
My main point is that i was watching Ru Paul's Drag U. He challenged a women to look into the mirror and tell herself that she was beautiful. Due to her emotional baggage she was unable to do something as simple as that. I asked my friend could she do that same exercise and she told me no as well. So why not me? Could i really do it? Well i did and honestly i feel better. I don't slouch my shoulders as much as i use to. I also hold my head higher when i go out into public. I've noticed a larger than normal boost in myself confidence. I'm still not to the point of feeling that any girl could fall in love with me, but i'm getting that. I never realized how important it is to love yourself. Especially if we want others to accept us for who we are, i've found it's more than important it's a necessity. My favorite quote from his shows is still one i'm working on to this day:

How can you expect anyone else to love you, if you can't love yourself?

the heart wants what the heart wants

The best part about work is being able to interact with people and listen to their life stories. It's like being able to get a personal look into a household of others without coming up to their windows. Yesterday one of the highlights was listening to this older man's story about love. I have been getting clubbed over the head over the past weeks with topics of love. It's on every time i turn on the tv, go to the movies, and even in public. It seems to be what all my friends are talking about. That in itself is a little overwhelming and this man's story fitting in perfectly with that topic.

I'm was amazed more by the fact that he looked to be in his early 50s and was indeed 62 years old. His large overhanging belly gave him away as being able to enjoy life. He proceeded to tell me the age old tale of romance. How he had fallen in love with a girl that broke his heart. Over 3 years he had given the women $150,000 in money/gifts and she had spent all of it. Either pawning it or taking his sent checking and spending it on someone else. Ultimately the idea of the saying "there's nothing like an old fool" popped into my head. He also spoke about how she was slightly deformed from birth [her shoulder blade stuck out to far and her hand was slightly clubbed] but he loved anyways. How can you shower someone with gifts like that and still not receive any love i thought to myself? Of course he was a religious man and she was as well, however anytime she did anything run she would run and ask forgiveness from God. If some of the things he was telling me was true i'm not sure that her moral compass was tilting in the direction that it should've. My facial features frowned as he told me that she was not only having sex with men and women but paying to have kids involved as well. Even after hearing this the guy told me he still love her. Regardless of all the times she's taken his emotions and dragged it through the mud he feelings didn't wavier. I started to wonder what make people become the fool for others? When do we as people hit that limit that we won't be mistreated any more? What isn't funny but interesting is the fact that he like most others have wonderful attractive offers from countless women to fall in love with. Women with professional jobs and economic status yet there is no attractive qualities present. I spoke with some of my single male friends with on this topic a couple of weeks ago. They expressed what we all know, once we've been treated a certain way for a long time it's hard to break that cycle. For example, if you're use to being emotionally torn down in a relationship, when the right person comes along regardless of how perfect he/she maybe if that void is missing subconsciously you won't be happy.

Part of me wished i could open his eyes and allow him to see the truth, that i could show him he needs to move on. But as a quote once said truthfully "the heart wants what the heart wants." Sadly enough nothing can change that.

Scott Pilgrim

I guess as an artist you learn to respect a lot of different artwork and not so often does the artwork reflect your own style. Sometimes it's more about the meaning, the story, and the message more than anything else. I went with some of my drawing group friends to watch Scott Pilgrim vs. The World yesterday because i had been kicking myself that i didn't go see it opening weekend. I'm a comic book movie groupie, therefor i don't run out to the movies to watch every graphic novel/ comic book influenced movie ever made but this one looked worth it. Especially when a certain movie theater was running a $4 matinee price it's not a horrible idea.
As i walked away from the movie, it became extremely clear that i just didn't laugh uncontrollably due to the comedic efforts but i had learned something. My relationship past, present and future were building blocks for the future. Admittedly i got dumped more times than i wish i would've but that just shows me that the relationship wasn't suppose to workout. Countless energy is generally wasted trying to rehash the details of how it could've and was suppose to workout yet it never did in the first past. Every relationship has baggage and the question is are you a strong enough person to accept it all?
We all need to use more of our flaming sword of self respect daily.

Confession of a Starving Artist

I learned an important lesson this morning as i checked my bank account and noticed i was in the red yet again. Even after getting paid on Tues it will be another 2 weeks before i have a little spending money. I imagine my bank has a hand full of happy we've taking your money reminders waiting to be mailed off. Still i find bliss in what should be troubling times. I continue to tell myself struggling is important in life. It allows you to separate the things you want from the things you need. It also allows you to appreciate all the things in life that you have. Most importantly it's life way of testing you to see if you can continue to hold your head high when things are bad. God only knows how badly i've been emotionally beat down and drained. Especially, when the logical solution would be to throw a pitty party full of wow my life suck chants. At this moment i'm attempting to be resourceful. I'm weighting my logical options and creating a solution for those problems that i'm facing. "Pressure creates diamonds" is my final parting words of this blog.

The King of Pop 1 year later

Today marks the anniversary of Michael Jacksons' death. I was surprised and shocked as i rode in a car full of people and received the news that he lived no more. I remember going ot my parents house and just sitting down and watching tv reports from all over the world. Seeing how people danced and sang in a public out cry over his passing. Even more so over the past year i've seen floods of t-shirts, messages as well as people playing his music.that show how much he is missed. Even though Michael is in his own category, after his passing some people has gone on to label him as "the black people's Elvis." Both men were great performer but each man had their own lane of musical talents. They are simply incomparable.

My friend Cara, had mailed me his tribute movie This is It. For obvious reasons i pushed it aside when it was first released in the movies as well on dvd. I didn't want anything that would cheapen the image of Michael. I had written it off as a last ditched attempt for some people to cash in on his death and make money. Instead i was pleased to see the working of a concert that made me want to be there. There are few performers that i would say i would love to see live, (him and Madonna being of the group) but i would've paid any amount of money to be there. The concert that they had managed and planned would have truly been something that set itself apart from the rest. From set designs, wardrobe, live band, and dancers this was a collective effort that he had a hand in. Even the taped testimonials about how his musical and creative genius touched and inspired some many people. .

Watching the movie i wanted to do something more creative with my life. I wanted to inspired someone else to do something special with their life. This blog isn't me worshiping Michael like he was a god, but i have respect for someone as dedicated to his craft as he was.