emotionally naked

A little over a week ago i set out to hold a personal experiment. Every morning i woke up i looked deep into the mirror and said out loud the phrase " I am beautiful!" It's no question that i've struggled with self worth for some time. My earlier years and teenage years had been riddled with images of me being less than attractive. I don't blame my parents for this but growing up in a household with 2 other sibling (girls on top of that) left little nurturing for me. I've often heard that boys need all the attention they can get when they're young to become emotionally managing adults. I guess i missed that boat just a little. My dating life with the girls only made matters worst. Just recently i saw a girl from high school that i spent 4 years chasing. Oh, she recognized my advances at that point in time but i wasn't the guy for her. To make matters worst i was to clueless to understand that. That was just a small lap around a huge whirl pool of emotion let downs. On the bright side, when i saw her she had gained weight and had 3 kids with her. If the worst that's happened to me is that i've gained about 15 lbs and mostly bald then i'm doing alright.
My main point is that i was watching Ru Paul's Drag U. He challenged a women to look into the mirror and tell herself that she was beautiful. Due to her emotional baggage she was unable to do something as simple as that. I asked my friend could she do that same exercise and she told me no as well. So why not me? Could i really do it? Well i did and honestly i feel better. I don't slouch my shoulders as much as i use to. I also hold my head higher when i go out into public. I've noticed a larger than normal boost in myself confidence. I'm still not to the point of feeling that any girl could fall in love with me, but i'm getting that. I never realized how important it is to love yourself. Especially if we want others to accept us for who we are, i've found it's more than important it's a necessity. My favorite quote from his shows is still one i'm working on to this day:

How can you expect anyone else to love you, if you can't love yourself?

the heart wants what the heart wants

The best part about work is being able to interact with people and listen to their life stories. It's like being able to get a personal look into a household of others without coming up to their windows. Yesterday one of the highlights was listening to this older man's story about love. I have been getting clubbed over the head over the past weeks with topics of love. It's on every time i turn on the tv, go to the movies, and even in public. It seems to be what all my friends are talking about. That in itself is a little overwhelming and this man's story fitting in perfectly with that topic.

I'm was amazed more by the fact that he looked to be in his early 50s and was indeed 62 years old. His large overhanging belly gave him away as being able to enjoy life. He proceeded to tell me the age old tale of romance. How he had fallen in love with a girl that broke his heart. Over 3 years he had given the women $150,000 in money/gifts and she had spent all of it. Either pawning it or taking his sent checking and spending it on someone else. Ultimately the idea of the saying "there's nothing like an old fool" popped into my head. He also spoke about how she was slightly deformed from birth [her shoulder blade stuck out to far and her hand was slightly clubbed] but he loved anyways. How can you shower someone with gifts like that and still not receive any love i thought to myself? Of course he was a religious man and she was as well, however anytime she did anything run she would run and ask forgiveness from God. If some of the things he was telling me was true i'm not sure that her moral compass was tilting in the direction that it should've. My facial features frowned as he told me that she was not only having sex with men and women but paying to have kids involved as well. Even after hearing this the guy told me he still love her. Regardless of all the times she's taken his emotions and dragged it through the mud he feelings didn't wavier. I started to wonder what make people become the fool for others? When do we as people hit that limit that we won't be mistreated any more? What isn't funny but interesting is the fact that he like most others have wonderful attractive offers from countless women to fall in love with. Women with professional jobs and economic status yet there is no attractive qualities present. I spoke with some of my single male friends with on this topic a couple of weeks ago. They expressed what we all know, once we've been treated a certain way for a long time it's hard to break that cycle. For example, if you're use to being emotionally torn down in a relationship, when the right person comes along regardless of how perfect he/she maybe if that void is missing subconsciously you won't be happy.

Part of me wished i could open his eyes and allow him to see the truth, that i could show him he needs to move on. But as a quote once said truthfully "the heart wants what the heart wants." Sadly enough nothing can change that.

Scott Pilgrim

I guess as an artist you learn to respect a lot of different artwork and not so often does the artwork reflect your own style. Sometimes it's more about the meaning, the story, and the message more than anything else. I went with some of my drawing group friends to watch Scott Pilgrim vs. The World yesterday because i had been kicking myself that i didn't go see it opening weekend. I'm a comic book movie groupie, therefor i don't run out to the movies to watch every graphic novel/ comic book influenced movie ever made but this one looked worth it. Especially when a certain movie theater was running a $4 matinee price it's not a horrible idea.
As i walked away from the movie, it became extremely clear that i just didn't laugh uncontrollably due to the comedic efforts but i had learned something. My relationship past, present and future were building blocks for the future. Admittedly i got dumped more times than i wish i would've but that just shows me that the relationship wasn't suppose to workout. Countless energy is generally wasted trying to rehash the details of how it could've and was suppose to workout yet it never did in the first past. Every relationship has baggage and the question is are you a strong enough person to accept it all?
We all need to use more of our flaming sword of self respect daily.

Confession of a Starving Artist

I learned an important lesson this morning as i checked my bank account and noticed i was in the red yet again. Even after getting paid on Tues it will be another 2 weeks before i have a little spending money. I imagine my bank has a hand full of happy we've taking your money reminders waiting to be mailed off. Still i find bliss in what should be troubling times. I continue to tell myself struggling is important in life. It allows you to separate the things you want from the things you need. It also allows you to appreciate all the things in life that you have. Most importantly it's life way of testing you to see if you can continue to hold your head high when things are bad. God only knows how badly i've been emotionally beat down and drained. Especially, when the logical solution would be to throw a pitty party full of wow my life suck chants. At this moment i'm attempting to be resourceful. I'm weighting my logical options and creating a solution for those problems that i'm facing. "Pressure creates diamonds" is my final parting words of this blog.

The King of Pop 1 year later

Today marks the anniversary of Michael Jacksons' death. I was surprised and shocked as i rode in a car full of people and received the news that he lived no more. I remember going ot my parents house and just sitting down and watching tv reports from all over the world. Seeing how people danced and sang in a public out cry over his passing. Even more so over the past year i've seen floods of t-shirts, messages as well as people playing his music.that show how much he is missed. Even though Michael is in his own category, after his passing some people has gone on to label him as "the black people's Elvis." Both men were great performer but each man had their own lane of musical talents. They are simply incomparable.

My friend Cara, had mailed me his tribute movie This is It. For obvious reasons i pushed it aside when it was first released in the movies as well on dvd. I didn't want anything that would cheapen the image of Michael. I had written it off as a last ditched attempt for some people to cash in on his death and make money. Instead i was pleased to see the working of a concert that made me want to be there. There are few performers that i would say i would love to see live, (him and Madonna being of the group) but i would've paid any amount of money to be there. The concert that they had managed and planned would have truly been something that set itself apart from the rest. From set designs, wardrobe, live band, and dancers this was a collective effort that he had a hand in. Even the taped testimonials about how his musical and creative genius touched and inspired some many people. .

Watching the movie i wanted to do something more creative with my life. I wanted to inspired someone else to do something special with their life. This blog isn't me worshiping Michael like he was a god, but i have respect for someone as dedicated to his craft as he was.

Distance and Space

This week marks my first days back to work after a lengthy vacation and i wonder am i living my dream. Yeah, i do have a job as a retail manager but how does that fit into my dream. As much as the pressure of my job cause earthquakes in my personal life. I now use my down time to gain control again. I'm try my best not to accept handouts of pity from others because when it all boils down to it. Only you control you destiny and fate, not to many people can help you out when it comes to that. Things won't ever change until i want them to.

Frustrated with the random comments on facebook i deactivate my account again. As pleasing as it might be to write a status update of "i'm having a burger" or "i'm at the beach" it is just as random as a text message out the blue. Where exactly in life or enlightenment does that follow? It's more like an US or People magazine popular stars update. The worst part is that i saw myself doing the same thing posting things like "i'm watching the game at the sports bar." Honestly does anyone really truly care? I doubt it.

Yet again i'm tighten my circle of friends and focusing the remainder of my time on my artwork. If i ever want to be taken seriously as an artist i'm going to have to put in more hours and create more pieces.

Tin Man

It's Saturday and i thought i would simply unwind. I'm still working on distressing my life and it's a very slow process. My goal is to be drama free before this month is out. But on another topic i've downloaded a song that defines my thoughts about my past relationships. As you can imagine i've been playing it over and over again.

Mental Health Day

Sometimes people throw that term around just as an excuse. In my case, my own personal mental health day means doing what i want to do when i want to do it. I wish i could say that my life isn't very controlled but it is. Very rarely is my free time my free time. It's planned and mapped out. Mental health days do wonder from me as it allows me to reset my mind.

Since i returned from Texas at the beginning of May i've been pulled in all sorts of directions. I've bounced back between both Lynnhaven and Greenbrier locations while other managers have been on vacation, had surgery, quit as well as been terminated. That in itself has taken it's toll on me. Sometimes i don't feel like being bothered or that i pass out on the couch due to sheer emotional exhaustion. I consider myself to be mentally tough but the more problems i take on in my personal life compacted with my issues of work life is draining. I've been continually experiencing back pains to the point that i've been saved by having a duty-free vacation.

Interesting things that i found

My friend Cara is still in the mist of a messy post divorce situation. What amazes me is how quickly civil matters can turn messy. Of course no one expects everything to be a clean break in situations like this. There is expected disappointed but just as in all situations your character should shine through. When i say character i mean all the things that make you who you are on a very day bases. Some may call them morals and ethics while others will refer to them as basic home training. For example, i work with an individual that when the time gets hard they non-confrontation. This person cowers away, therefor i know in the character department when i 'm put in that situation i most likely will not have someone standing behind me. Instead i will have an outside observer.

Of all the amazing quotes i could find i love this one the most. Regardless of whatever discussion that we make at the point in time it seemed like the right thing to do. I will paint a pictures that's more than 10 years ago to explain this example. I drove to DC to see Eva (she is now one of my closest female friends) while i was still in a relationship with my girlfriend Ayesha. Ultimately i ruined my relationship with my girlfriend to have that experience of simply hanging out with someone i only heard the voice of and read the letters of. I recalled for sometime i would beat myself up about how things turned out, but then i realized for the moment of happiness it was all worth it. As well as this was all part of God's plan.

What would life be like if they actually had a class on relationships. They semi have their version of it when you're in high school and middle school but nothing really prepares you for it. You aren't emotionally equipped to handle that situations that we are put in. Just thinking back to being in school again, sometimes it seemed like my world would end just because i was rejected or broken hearted. Years later it the sting of neglect still feels the same.

Woman Tonight ~ Felt

Sometimes you find the right songs at the right moment. I discovered this song a long time ago when i friend put it on a cd for me. I never knew the title of the song but i just accepted it as it was and become one of those unknown tracks that i loved. i would rank it high on my favorites list because it reminds me of my expectations of love. This song speaks to the unknown voids in my life.

Take me out to the Ball Game

I'm not sure why i never really wrote about my first Texas experience. I guess i was waiting for the 2nd one to take place. Life is funny sometimes in that aspect. I promised myself after i got home from the last one and the Dallas area had record snow fall that i would not go back. No way in the world would i be there again until the dust in that area had settled down. Of course the dust didn't settle down and actually now it's getting kicked up and blown in the wind again. Still i remember there, i guess fate is guiding my hand at this moment. So when i took a picture of my converse sitting on the floor i knew it felt right. I had a feeling that i haven't had in sometime i was at home.

I have been doing a lot of things that i haven't done before this year. Earlier i went to my 1st professional basketball game and this time i went to my 1st professional baseball game. Little did i know that Texas was the windiest place on earth. So any small thing that's on the ground will be blown especially peanut shells. So as i was talking to Cara, i received my 1st peanuts at the baseball stadium. I know this is an over used term but "everything is better live." When you're at home you have no one to interact with but listen to the announcers but actually at the game you can to here everyones' mindless rambles. I got a chance to listen to chatter about how one sister got left at the ball game while the other two sisters went to a Mexican bar to drink. I listened to what true retired men do when they don't have to work anyone (so jealous). I got to experience a random guy continue to single handed cheer for the Rangers. Plus i listened to a vendor continue to say "kettle corn" in his accent until i thought he was saying "ghetto corn." I also learned a very important lesson foul ball are no joking matter. Watch out from them but because if you aren't paying attention to the game. There's a good chance that you could end up in the hospitial . Overall i had a great time and i'm not a baseball fan by any stretch. However i truly want to go back to a game again.

fly...

Of all the songs that could have possibly popped into my head at work today this one stands out. The great thing about this song is that it reminds me constantly that i should never get up on my dream. My dream isn't to fold clothes, address customer complains, as well as handle shoplifters. My dream is to be an artist as i was working yesterday a co-worker noticed my pencil bag. Moments later she assumed that i had a container full of pens and it would only be common courtesy to give her one. This was the first time in a long time that i addressed anyone working there that i'm an artist. I don't work at Old Navy because i want to, but because in the grand scheme of things i'm suppose to for the time being. So i'm waiting on my spaceship

Break times is over

I've taken a small break from speaking my mind and attacking the issues i hold dear to my heart. One of my biggest fears is change. I'm afraid to step out on the ledge and simply do things. Which would explain why it took me 5+ years to get a new phone. My dinosaur phone has been been creeping along and keeping up with me until this past weekend. So i headed out on Mon prepared to get myself a new phone which i did. Yes i'm still getting the hang off my phone but what scared me was it was too new. There's no such thing as anything being to new but it was. I can apply the same theory to my life. Why haven't i quit Old Navy yet, because i'm scared of the change. i'm scared of trying something so new that it will scare me into regret. It goes without saying that my name Thomas is a biblical name. Most people know the story how Thomas doubted Jesus after he rose from the grave. By any means is my life episode that bad but i find myself constantly doubting and judging myself.

I'm still find myself looking back and most of the time it isn't with a smile on my face. I was on facebook recently and their mutual friends setting. I saw a picture that i hadn't seen in some time. It was of Vera. The girl i spent the better part of 5 years chasing all throughout high school. Never once did she tell me i'm chasing a far fetched dream. I know i shouldn't be happy about other's disappointments but she gained weight and had kids. Not the skinny little theater actress i remember.

You can wipe off the grin.....

I've been toying around with the fact why don't i write more often. Above all else i should've blogged around my amazing trip to Texas. But my attention has been elsewhere trying to fix myself while help others who i thought needed help. Somewhere this week i broke down. Unable to handle balancing act that i thought i should i let go of one of the scales to focus on own growth. It could be viewed as being selfish, odd or be just being me.
I'm a person that believe that everything happens for a reason. Yesterday as i walked in an art store to get supplies i a song was playing. These is the same song i posted my facebook page i will probe a little deeper into without giving away the whole story. Certain lines in Phil Collin's song stick out to me and the more you explain the words hopefully you will see why.

A Heart

i just recently came off of vacation in which i had a long time to think. I was just thinking about bills, work, art, or movies. Since i was sick laying down most the time i thought about life. Currently i have numerous single friends. Most of them like myself have various reasons for being single. Ultimately we make excuses that are ways for us to hide. I'm hiding in fear of the possibilities; what if i approach the girl and she says yes or better yet no? I find myself revisiting those thoughts again as i hear their stories of being single. Even once in a while i get hit with loneliness but overall i push those thoughts aside. My personal goals will become brought to a stand-still if i was in a relationship. Love is not another job that you clock in and clock out of but it's just something that happens.


Last Friday i found myself shaking my head as one of my female friends told me she was searching for love on Craig's List [of all places]. She's not an ugly girl by any stretch of the imagination but a lonely one. After thinking more i found myself mumbling the phrase " but aren't we all lonely?" I pose this question to everyone that is single: How can you love someone if you haven't learned to love yourself?


When i look at myself, i know that i'm single. The reason being because i chose to be so, not because i can't get a date.

2 carts full of soda

This is a small scene from my uneventful evening at Walmart late Sat night. Most people call it the meeting spot because you can talk and gather with others because it's Walmart. Who really cares if you're bring your sunday best there?!

However, I'm straying away from my thoughts on this photo. These 2 guys had a basket full of soda which i assume was for their local business. They made sure by stocking up now that they were prepared for the future. There are times in life when we need to do the same thing, prepare for the future. It takes alot to leap into an area of mystery and unknown. Our ego plays tricks on us asking us if we are really ready. Other's thoughts around us question our logic.

Just as i have mumbled under my breath "did they guys really need to buy this sodas now?" only they knew why the timing was right.

MLK's Birthday!

Normally i don't whine or complain, better yet say anything at all but today is a little different. I awoke this morning from watching more movies that i recall previously. I was playing around on myspace when i ran across some of the more hurtful emotionally comments that i've seen in a while. Today is suppose to be Martin Luther King's birthday and it just proved the fact that in the words of Rodney King "Why can't we all just get along?" Yeah it's suppose to be the 2000's, a new millennium has started but it feels like we've left others behind. I'm not sure where the hatred popped up or became apparent but it was there. One comment stirs the melting pop while everything else inside just reacts. It's truly sad when i think back to the radio recording that i listened to coming from work. A local radio station was playing a copy of his very last speech. Even years after his words still rung clear for all to hear. It makes me wonder will my ideas, thoughts, and comments still hold weight years from now!

chinese meditation balls & destiny

My original and i guess 1st post was going to be about Chinese meditation balls. I'm not really to sure why exactly that topic. It coul be that i used to drive around with them in my old blue Neon (even though my friends called it purple). I often look toward Eastern philosophy to round out my hard edge world. So of course meditation balls seemed like a good topic. Quickly that plan was scrapped and i was lead to my current thought of destiny.

I'm more than lucky, i'm honored to have great friends supporting me. I know i keep a very narrow circle of people that i'm 110% open about everything with, i still love everyone that i come in contact with. As an artist i'm constantly put in the loop of fellow artists,writers, and poets just to exchange ideas and thoughts. I had the opportunity to read one of my friends 1st books that they wrote together. Michelle and Craig meet when they were at Old Navy and eventually got married. Over the past couple of years they gotten serious about writing a novel together especially since Craig is an English major. Without giving to much of their book away they wrote African-American grow-up story about destiny. In the end it lead me to think how many times people vision becomes so clouded that we can't see that life has a grand purpose. Life does have a purpose and we are all connected in some shape or form. It's a hard and difficult pill to swallow, when you force yourself to believe in that theory.

"oh i got a speeding ticket not just to slow me down but to make sure that life was balanced out. That years from now that i would be in the right place at the right time. "

It can be said that their book was put in front of me at the right time at the right moment when i would need it best. Very deep thought! I'll guess i'll save the meditation topic for another day.